Women of Hope
It’s no secret that friendships between women have complex and intriguing dynamics. It’s also crucial to many women that they have good friends in their daily lives for inner peace and emotional support. Why are these relationships so important to women?
Women have always sought each other out to recharge emotionally, to dispel loneliness, and to reaffirm personal identities.. Women who have been through life crises say that their women friends communicated concern and bolstered their self concept and also helped them clarify and understand their problems.
Lillian Rubin, a researcher who specializes in women’s relationships, quotes one woman as saying, “I love my husband and my kids, but they can’t give me what I get from my women friends. I need them in my life, too. With a woman, there’s always something to chew on. You know what I mean. Something’s brought up and we dissect and look at it from all angles for hours. With a man, he goes right for the solution, and that’s not always what you want.”
Women often need a level of intimacy that men don’t seek in their friendships. An important signature of women’s friendships is self disclosure. Self disclosure is the sharing of intimacies that are not obvious to the observer. It is a baring of the soul and feelings. In order to do this, the discloser must have confidence and trust in the relationship. Self disclosure is putting oneself on the line despite the risks of opposing feelings, non-acceptance, and possible rejection. A friend is worth the risk, for she shares as well, and the relationship is built upon this foundation. Trust is a big element for a successful friendship.
Widely heralded qualities that emerge when women describe their friends include trust, honesty, respect, commitment, support, generosity, loyalty, and understanding.
The distinction of “best friend,” as opposed to the relationship of just “occasional” friend, seems to be reserved for those with whom we share a promise of a deeper love and concern. Best friends have durability and stability and they tend to linger longer, often reappearing here and there throughout a person’s lifetime. It is not unusual for a person to claim as best friend someone with whom she shared her childhood. Reconnecting with this person often gives the feeling of bringing out the little girl in the woman. A history of shared experiences is precious indeed.
Even though important to women of all ages, friendships exact a price. Friends demand loyalty, confidentiality, and time. The emotional dependency needs of friendship differ from the needs of marriage or a sexual relationship. Some women bond over hobbies or enjoy attending art shows together but may never discuss their husbands or other relationships. The expectations of each friendship may be different.
Friends don’t feel as responsible for each other’s children or husbands as a family member would, but offer equality and camaraderie instead. It is usually easier for friends to extract themselves from a sticky situation while kin are obligated to be there. Friends stay on because they want to, not because they have to. On the other hand, there are limits to what we can expect of a friend, while kin often feel obligated to do what they must.
In Every Woman’s Emotional Well-Being, editor Carol Tavris discusses high density networks, or relationships among women whose social circles are constantly overlapping, causing women to establish a number of friendships with many women but all within the same social group. Tavris contends that women may do better with a low density network, or fewer friends but with more diversity of interests. She believes that if all friends are basically alike, a woman misses out on opportunities to establish new identities and explore new interests.
Rebecca Adams, PhD, found in her study on the friendships of older women, that as we age, we are at increased risk for losing the friends that we have made. The social changes that occur with aging may include declining health, decrease in income, relocation, and loss of a mate. Friendship networks tend to shrink to a few good friends. Research demonstrates that involvement with friends is consistently found to have a positive impact on morale and life satisfaction. Friends also serve as effective buffers in adjusting to role changes in retirement or widowhood.
As women get older, friends become vastly more important as the circle of friends dwindles. Research has shown that women who have social connections live longer than those who do not. Physical presence is a great act of comfort, love, and kindness. Sharing the joys and disappointments of life with a network of special friends is vital to the well-being of many women.
Lillian Rubin, a researcher who specializes in women’s relationships, quotes one woman as saying, “I love my husband and my kids, but they can’t give me what I get from my women friends. I need them in my life, too. With a woman, there’s always something to chew on. You know what I mean. Something’s brought up and we dissect and look at it from all angles for hours. With a man, he goes right for the solution, and that’s not always what you want.”
