Have you ever been in a situation where you are not sure how to say what needs to be said? Sometimes it’s sympathy for the loss of a loved one or an expression of sadness for an illness or unfortunate occurrence. We know the words, of course, but are they the right ones? Are they the words we would want to hear?
Experts say there is no one correct way to express feelings of comfort or sadness, but it is important to convey our good intentions and concern. Many of us do this with a phone call. Finding the right words can be difficult. We want to comfort without intruding. Therapists tell us the important thing is intent and listening. You generally have a shared background with the person you are calling, and once the initial expression is made, the conversation will not all be up to you. Sometimes a good start may be, “I don’t know what to say.” This allows the recipient to respond in his or her own way and to set the tone for the conversation.
Why is making that call or writing that card so hard for most of us? Maybe we have never experienced what the person is going through. Maybe it raises thoughts of our own mortality. If it’s a health diagnosis, it may be helpful to read up on the illness before calling to have a better understanding of what your friend is dealing with. Finding the right words may require a little practice. It may help to say the words aloud before you call, and ask yourself whether it sounded OK, too sad, or too forced. Once you are satisfied with the approach, then make the call.
Once the connection has been made, simple words may be enough. “This must be so hard.” “What can I do?” Or just “Yes.” Quiet listening may be the best gift that you can give the
other person.
Sometimes the concern is when to call. Susan Halpern, a psychotherapist and social worker who counsels people with serious illness, suggests just calling and leaving a message on the answering machine. The recipient can then decide if and when to return the call. In the meantime, you have expressed concern.
When speaking to someone with an illness, tone of voice is important. A neutral, helpful tone is probably more welcome than a sad, oppressive demeanor. Giving health advice is not recommended, even when well intended, because for many people, unsought advice can create resistance.
Halpern points out that people with chronic illness are dealing with different issues — those of a lingering, persistent nature. How do we speak to those? Often the individual’s personality will determine the best approach. A person with a long or recurrent illness may prefer not to report on every test or procedure — he or she may be tired of the illness and the attention it brings, and may just want to get on with life. Others can think of nothing else and may appreciate frequent calls and questions. Some want sympathy, others do not.
If you choose to send a card or note, it can be reread and treasured by the recipient or the family and requires no response. In your note you can express what it is about your friend that you find special or admire — her sense of humor, great attitude, wonderful ability with knitting, painting, woodworking, etc. Sending a positive note may shore up individuals mired in illness and remind them how they are valued as a friend.
In the past year, many have had to distance themselves from supportive friends, and that can mean less emotional support. Calls and messages are more important than ever.
Starters
Here are a few suggestions for beginning a difficult conversation:
- How are you today?
- Do you want to talk?
- I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of (or praying for) you.
- I have some time today. Would you like company?
