OK, OK — I know what the title looks like, but hear me out. Trust me — I was cursing 2020 just as much as the next person a couple months ago, but not anymore. If anything, 2020 has taught me that life is going to take you where you are supposed to go, one way or another. It took me some time, but now I am able to look back on 2020, and I am so grateful for the year.
I had a tough first semester of college. Let’s be honest — I had a tough 2020 like everyone else — but it took my first semester of college to show me that this wasn’t it. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days before our one year anniversary, and it was my first week of classes, so right off the bat I started off struggling. I was sad but I decided to focus on my school. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to reassemble my life. Once it was over, I realized how much time and energy I had spent on him.
At first I was happy to have all this time to myself again, but it started to get lonely and I saw how much I had neglected the rest of my life. It began to overwhelm me how many relationships I had lost, relationships with family, friends, and myself. I had spent so much time and energy trying to impress people, trying to help them, fix their problems, or control them. I spiraled down and was in a really dark place — I really couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. That was, until I was surrounded by some amazing people and I realized I could change my life. I was tired of being sad, of not loving myself, of feeling sorry for myself. And I was tired of not being the sister, friend, and daughter that the amazing people in my life deserved. They were there to love me and support me in a really dark place even though I didn’t see it at first.
It was right there that I decided that I was going to change for me. I realized that I can only control me — I’m so tired of wasting my energy on other things. It was with the support of “my people” that I realized I am worth my energy and my love. That last part has really changed my thought process recently, because when I went to that really dark place, I neglected other areas in my life. Now that I am working toward being better, I have to deal with the consequences of my neglect. This has been hard because I have to accept that I always had control over my life and made my own choices. It’s hard to look back and see the choices I made — I cannot blame anyone else for those choices, not my ex-boyfriend, not COVID-19, and not 2020 in general. I think that’s the hardest part about this — being accountable for myself and my actions. I so desperately want someone to blame, even if it’s myself, but that will do me no good. Crying and moping over the past does me nothing. If I want better for myself, it starts with accepting myself and my actions.
So, going into 2021, I’m not mad about 2020. I didn’t hate the year. For me, 2020 was a new beginning. I just didn’t know it, and although it was extremely hard, I’m grateful for the year that was. 2020 taught me many lessons about myself and others and helped me start the process of moving forward.
So if you are waiting to start that process in your life, this is your time. Life is too short to wait. Don’t let other things stop you from beginning that process. You are worth it.
